Re-focused.

First of all, I apologize for the lack of posts over the past few months. I'm usually so much better at keeping up with this blog, but a lot of things have gotten in the way. In fact, there have been a lot of things in my life I've neglected over this summer, including my housework and - sadly - my children.

But I feel like I've hit my "rock bottom," so to speak, and it's time to re-prioritize my life. It's time to focus on those things that are most important to me.

First priority: Family. I need to spend more time with my kids during the day. I need to start doing activities and crafts with them like I used to. I need to start taking them on adventures and enjoying the stages and ages they're at, because it's flying by before my eyes. Taylor is starting school in two days. My baby will be in Kindergarten, and my heart breaks a little every time I think about it. Oliver has started talking and developing his own little crazy personality, and I need to pay more attention to those fun things he does before it's too late. I also need to focus more on my husband. Sean and I have a very committed, loving, passionate marriage, but all relationships need constant work to keep them strong. We need to start scheduling regular date nights and spending more quality time together and less time in front of the TV.

Second priority: House. When we first moved here I was out working in the yard every single weekend, and many times during the week as well. I really wanted to show our neighbors that we are responsible home owners, and there's something really wonderful about making your home look the best it can look. I also had a daily cleaning schedule that helped me keep the inside of my home spic and span and running smoothly. My poor house has also been sorely neglected for the past several months, and it shows. My front and back yard were overgrown, under-watered, and covered in huge weeds. I spent hours yesterday just working in the front yard - mowing and weeding and trimming and pruning. It looks so much better now, and I don't feel like our house looks super trashy anymore. I'm going to get back to weekend yard work and daily cleaning so that I can be proud of my house instead of feeling ashamed of it's condition.

Third priority: School. I'm officially starting school at UVU in less than a week! After a lot of debate I decided that I'm ready to go back to school. I'm only going part-time at nights and on weekends so that I can still focus my attention on the boys during the day. I'll be working toward a Bachelors (and most likely ultimately a Masters) degree in English. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and I'm proud of myself for taking the first steps. My goal after school is to work as an Editor while I attend Graduate school, and then gaining my Masters of Library Science and working as a librarian later on down the road.

Fourth priority: Crafts, Hobbies, & Blogging. I've had my very own craft room (something I've wanted for years and years) since March, and to be honest I've only actually worked in it a few times, and only because I had clothes I needed to mend. I really need to make time to spend on my sewing and craft projects. I feel better when I have that time for myself, and I really need to take advantage of the fact that I've got so much room to work and create.

Fifth priority: Friends. There are many, many reasons why this is the very last priority on my list. But I feel like I still need to make it a priority in my life. Sean and I both need to spend time with friends, together and individually. There's just something about having that camaraderie and support that I think is very essential for us.

Although I've gone through some things lately that were very difficult and very painful, I'm happy that I have the opportunity to cut out the things that have been toxic to me, re-evaluate my life, and focus on things that are most important to me. I think it's always good to step back every once in a while and think about what we're spending our time doing, and decide if those things are really worth our time. My priorities have been completely out of whack, and I'm excited to get back to a life that I'm proud of.

One Month On Happy Pills: An Update

Almost a month ago I started taking 150mg of Welbutrin every day to treat my depression. I was terrified about being medicated and worried that it would only make me feel worse about myself. I gritted my teeth and gave it a try though, and I'm so overwhelmingly grateful that I did.

About three days after starting my medication I woke up and felt so... at ease. The best way I can describe it is that I felt like I was no longer living in a haze, no longer stuck in a dark cloud of which  I couldn't pull myself out. The medicine didn't force me to be happier than I normally am, didn't remove all other emotions like I feared it would. It simply removed the heavy weight I felt I was carrying and helped me to see things clearly, to see things as they really were, and not distorted by the murkiness of depression.

Life is so much better now. I have hope again, I look forward to things again, and I finally enjoy and have a desire to do those things I used to love. I can actually motivate myself to do things again, from tedious chores to fun craft projects.

Is everything all sunshine and roses now? No, that's not realistic. Life is full of ups and downs, of happiness, sadness, and yes - even depression. The difference is that when I feel myself sinking into a depressive mood I am actually able to pull myself out of it, to distract myself, to pick myself up and get moving. And that is the most amazing feeling in the world after what I've dealt with for over a year.

I realize now, after coming out of that dark haze, that I have so much to be grateful for. I have an amazing husband, two sweet little boys, my own home, and great friends. Life is good, and I'm glad that I can finally see that again.

"Officially Clinically Diagnosed."

I finally bit the bullet and went in to talk to my doctor on Monday. I told him everything, even the things I didn't want to tell him.

I told him I was overwhelmingly sad.

I told him I had a hard time willing myself to do even the slightest task.

I told him I had absolutely no idea why I felt this way.

They gave me a psychological evaluation - a barrage of questions relating to my mood and habits. I got to the question, "Do you feel as though you are consistently on the verge of crying?" I started to cry. Right there and then. Check! As I moved through the questions I felt more and more disheartened. Then I reached this question: "Do you sometimes feel as though you are useless and that people would be better if you weren't around?" I broke down. Sobbed like a baby as I sat alone in the doctor's office. By the time the doc came back in I was an absolute mess.

He asked me a few more questions, looked over my evaluation, and then said as nicely as he could, "Well, you can now consider yourself officially, clinically diagnosed with depression."

Awesome...

I mean I already had a pretty good idea that I had depression, but to hear it from a doctor is kinda rough. We talked medication since this is obviously a chemical imbalance and he put me on Wellbutrin. I absolutely, positively HATE that I have to be medicated for this. Part of me thinks I just need to pull myself together and CHOOSE to be happy. I'm in control of my emotions, dammit!

But the fact is I'm not. And that sucks big time.

That said, I'm proud of myself for finally getting this taken care of. I'm feeling so much better about my future and I'm excited to see how this medication will make me feel and how much it will change my life.

I feel kinda weird posting this on a public blog... It's like I'm openly admitting to the world that I'm crazy or something. But like I said a few posts back, this blog is my journal of sorts, and I want it to be honest. I want it to reflect what I'm going through at any given time, even if it's not picture perfect. I appreciate people who are open and honest about how difficult life can be at times, and I want to be one of those people too.

Thanks everyone for your love and support. I really, really appreciate it.

Conversation with the 5-Year-Old

 Me: I'm going to get you and Ollie something to eat while I finish getting ready.

Taylor: But I already have clothes on.

Me: No, I said I'd get you something to EAT.

Taylor: Ooooh, okay. But first could you get me something to eat?

Me: *sigh*...

Project: Organize the junk drawer!

Anyone's junk drawer look something like this?

I think that's about what every junk drawer in the world looks like - just a messy drawer where you throw all those little odds and ends you don't know what else do to with. Problem is it gets progressively more and more "junky," to the point where you can't find what you need and if you're anything like me all that junk starts spilling out onto your counters or into other drawers in the kitchen. No bueno.

So here's a little challenge from me to you - take 20-30 minutes out of your day and get that drawer under control! Here are the simple steps to taming that junk drawer.

1. Take everything out of the drawer. EVERYTHING. While it's empty, take a damp cloth and wipe out the inside of the drawer. It probably hasn't been cleaned in ages, eh?

2. Sort, sort, sort! Sort like items together and make three separate piles - items that need to go back in the drawer, items that need to go somewhere else in the house, and garbage to throw away. You'll be surprised how much garbage has been taking up precious space in this drawer!

3. Use what you've got to get organized. I don't have the time or money to go out and buy a bunch of organizing containers, but I do have an abundance of tupperware containers that I don't particularly like for food. They fit just right in my junk drawer though!

4. Sort like items into containers. Think about what you use most often, and what you only need to get to every once in a while. That way things won't get shuffled around too much once everything is nicely in place.

5. Admire your work! Doesn't this look so much better? I keep opening the drawer every time I go into the kitchen just to look at how organized everything is.

Now for the real challenge - keeping it that way! Organizing your home doesn't take hours and hours. You can get a lot accomplished just by taking a little sliver of time out of each day.

Silly Boys

I haven't posted many pics of the boys lately so I thought I'd better do that before I get harassed from the grandparents. Enjoy!

I'm so happy that these two little muchkins have started playing together more often. Makes my life so much easier!

Bad Haircut.

I love my stylist. LOVE her. I've been going to see her for years and I've loved every haircut I've had from her.

Well, up until now that is...

This makes me so sad. She just completely butchered my hair. That's the only way I can describe it. Guess I've got to look for a new salon to go to... Boo.