Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Taylor's 1st Day of Kindergarten!

"I wonder what you're doing right now,
And if everyone is treating you kind.
I hope there is a special person,
A nice friend that you can find.

I wonder if the teacher knows
Just how special you are to me. 
And if the brightness of your heart 
Is something she can see.

I wonder if you are thinking about me,
And if you need a hug.
I already miss the sound of your voice
And how you give my leg a tug.

I wonder if you could understand
How hard it is for me to let you grow.
On this day know that my heart breaks,
For this is the first step in letting my baby go."

Sunday, August 19, 2012


First of all, I apologize for the lack of posts over the past few months. I'm usually so much better at keeping up with this blog, but a lot of things have gotten in the way. In fact, there have been a lot of things in my life I've neglected over this summer, including my housework and - sadly - my children.

But I feel like I've hit my "rock bottom," so to speak, and it's time to re-prioritize my life. It's time to focus on those things that are most important to me.

First priority: Family. I need to spend more time with my kids during the day. I need to start doing activities and crafts with them like I used to. I need to start taking them on adventures and enjoying the stages and ages they're at, because it's flying by before my eyes. Taylor is starting school in two days. My baby will be in Kindergarten, and my heart breaks a little every time I think about it. Oliver has started talking and developing his own little crazy personality, and I need to pay more attention to those fun things he does before it's too late. I also need to focus more on my husband. Sean and I have a very committed, loving, passionate marriage, but all relationships need constant work to keep them strong. We need to start scheduling regular date nights and spending more quality time together and less time in front of the TV.

Second priority: House. When we first moved here I was out working in the yard every single weekend, and many times during the week as well. I really wanted to show our neighbors that we are responsible home owners, and there's something really wonderful about making your home look the best it can look. I also had a daily cleaning schedule that helped me keep the inside of my home spic and span and running smoothly. My poor house has also been sorely neglected for the past several months, and it shows. My front and back yard were overgrown, under-watered, and covered in huge weeds. I spent hours yesterday just working in the front yard - mowing and weeding and trimming and pruning. It looks so much better now, and I don't feel like our house looks super trashy anymore. I'm going to get back to weekend yard work and daily cleaning so that I can be proud of my house instead of feeling ashamed of it's condition.

Third priority: School. I'm officially starting school at UVU in less than a week! After a lot of debate I decided that I'm ready to go back to school. I'm only going part-time at nights and on weekends so that I can still focus my attention on the boys during the day. I'll be working toward a Bachelors (and most likely ultimately a Masters) degree in English. It's something I've wanted to do for years, and I'm proud of myself for taking the first steps. My goal after school is to work as an Editor while I attend Graduate school, and then gaining my Masters of Library Science and working as a librarian later on down the road.

Fourth priority: Crafts, Hobbies, & Blogging. I've had my very own craft room (something I've wanted for years and years) since March, and to be honest I've only actually worked in it a few times, and only because I had clothes I needed to mend. I really need to make time to spend on my sewing and craft projects. I feel better when I have that time for myself, and I really need to take advantage of the fact that I've got so much room to work and create.

Fifth priority: Friends. There are many, many reasons why this is the very last priority on my list. But I feel like I still need to make it a priority in my life. Sean and I both need to spend time with friends, together and individually. There's just something about having that camaraderie and support that I think is very essential for us.

Although I've gone through some things lately that were very difficult and very painful, I'm happy that I have the opportunity to cut out the things that have been toxic to me, re-evaluate my life, and focus on things that are most important to me. I think it's always good to step back every once in a while and think about what we're spending our time doing, and decide if those things are really worth our time. My priorities have been completely out of whack, and I'm excited to get back to a life that I'm proud of.

Monday, August 6, 2012

One Month On Happy Pills: An Update

Almost a month ago I started taking 150mg of Welbutrin every day to treat my depression. I was terrified about being medicated and worried that it would only make me feel worse about myself. I gritted my teeth and gave it a try though, and I'm so overwhelmingly grateful that I did.

About three days after starting my medication I woke up and felt so... at ease. The best way I can describe it is that I felt like I was no longer living in a haze, no longer stuck in a dark cloud of which  I couldn't pull myself out. The medicine didn't force me to be happier than I normally am, didn't remove all other emotions like I feared it would. It simply removed the heavy weight I felt I was carrying and helped me to see things clearly, to see things as they really were, and not distorted by the murkiness of depression.

Life is so much better now. I have hope again, I look forward to things again, and I finally enjoy and have a desire to do those things I used to love. I can actually motivate myself to do things again, from tedious chores to fun craft projects.

Is everything all sunshine and roses now? No, that's not realistic. Life is full of ups and downs, of happiness, sadness, and yes - even depression. The difference is that when I feel myself sinking into a depressive mood I am actually able to pull myself out of it, to distract myself, to pick myself up and get moving. And that is the most amazing feeling in the world after what I've dealt with for over a year.

I realize now, after coming out of that dark haze, that I have so much to be grateful for. I have an amazing husband, two sweet little boys, my own home, and great friends. Life is good, and I'm glad that I can finally see that again.