I finally bit the bullet and went in to talk to my doctor on Monday. I told him everything, even the things I didn't want to tell him.
I told him I was overwhelmingly sad.
I told him I had a hard time willing myself to do even the slightest task.
I told him I had absolutely no idea why I felt this way.
They gave me a psychological evaluation - a barrage of questions relating to my mood and habits. I got to the question, "Do you feel as though you are consistently on the verge of crying?" I started to cry. Right there and then. Check! As I moved through the questions I felt more and more disheartened. Then I reached this question: "Do you sometimes feel as though you are useless and that people would be better if you weren't around?" I broke down. Sobbed like a baby as I sat alone in the doctor's office. By the time the doc came back in I was an absolute mess.
He asked me a few more questions, looked over my evaluation, and then said as nicely as he could, "Well, you can now consider yourself officially, clinically diagnosed with depression."
I mean I already had a pretty good idea that I had depression, but to hear it from a doctor is kinda rough. We talked medication since this is obviously a chemical imbalance and he put me on Wellbutrin. I absolutely, positively HATE that I have to be medicated for this. Part of me thinks I just need to pull myself together and CHOOSE to be happy. I'm in control of my emotions, dammit!
But the fact is I'm not. And that sucks big time.
That said, I'm proud of myself for finally getting this taken care of. I'm feeling so much better about my future and I'm excited to see how this medication will make me feel and how much it will change my life.
I feel kinda weird posting this on a public blog... It's like I'm openly admitting to the world that I'm crazy or something. But like I said a few posts back, this blog is my journal of sorts, and I want it to be honest. I want it to reflect what I'm going through at any given time, even if it's not picture perfect. I appreciate people who are open and honest about how difficult life can be at times, and I want to be one of those people too.
Thanks everyone for your love and support. I really, really appreciate it.