Devastated.

I went in for my 13 week doctor's appointment yesterday and the doctor couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. Normally I would freak out about it, but that same thing happened when I was 12 weeks pregnant with Taylor. Just to be safe the doctor ordered an ultrasound this afternoon to make sure everything was still okay.

I was confident going into the ultrasound room that things would be fine and I was excited to see the baby. Unfortunately from the second I saw the image on the screen I knew something was wrong. The baby looked a lot smaller than I expected and wasn't moving at all. She took some measurements, then turned on the sound to see if we could hear a heartbeat. Nothing. She quickly turned the machine off and said she'd let the doctor look over the results and tell me what was going on. I had a horrible feeling about it, and as soon as I saw the look on my doctor's face I knew that I had lost the baby.

At my nine week appointment the baby was fine and I was even able to hear the heartbeat. However, just a week later it passed away. Unfortunately my body has just tried desperately to hold on to my little one, and now at over 13 weeks pregnant I'm just barely starting to show any symptoms of miscarriage.

I'm scheduled for a DNC tomorrow morning and we can start trying to get pregnant again in two months. I'm just absolutely devastated. There's no other way to describe it, and I think only those mothers who have lost children of their own can really relate. I loved this little baby so much. It's hard to keep it in mind, but I know that my sweet baby's spirit lives on and that some day I will have the opportunity to see them again. I know that Heavenly Father is aware of Sean and I and the pain we're going through right now.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, prayers, and love. It means the world to me.

Baby Animals

This past Saturday we took Taylor to Thanksgiving Point for their Baby Animal Birthday Party. It's basically a big event to introduce all the babies that were born this spring and it was so fun to see all the little farm animals. Unfortunately it was really cold and windy that day so we didn't stay very long, but we were able to see all the babies and Taylor got the pony ride he'd begged for since the second we got there. Here are some pictures from the day.

Watching the baby lambs:

Petting the horses with Daddy (that same horse almost bit me when I tried to pet it):

Checking out the baby "piddies":

Tay and Daddy walking toward the playhouses; Taylor loved sitting in them and looking out the window (probably because he was out of the wind):

The fam (gotta love Tay's "smile"):

Waiting to ride the ponies - I LOVE this picture of my boys:

He was so excited to finally ride a pony:

I can't believe how big my baby boy is! Last time we were at Thanksgiving Point we were celebrating his first birthday and he was so tiny. Here he is on a pony one year ago:

Crazy how time flies, and I'm loving him more and more every day.

Alphabet Boy

Taylor is obsessed with stickers.

OB-SESSED.

If he ever finds a sheet of stickers, he immediately runs to Mom or Dad and begs us to help him peel off the stickers so he can stick them to a piece of paper. Well last weekend Mom was just too lazy to go find said paper, so she stuck every alphabet sticker Tay could find to... well... Tay. He actually really loved it and kept asking me to put more on him. When we were done he ran into the bathroom to show Daddy who just so happened to be in the shower at the time.


His excitement didn't last long, however, and as soon as Mom snapped a few photos he was ready to peel them off.

Ah, what a great way to spend a Saturday morning...

Dinos and Banana Splits

A couple of weeks ago Sean and I took Taylor to the Museum of Ancient Life at Thanksgiving Point. Tay LOVES dinosaurs and we thought it would be a fun family activity we could do together. Sean and I were both really impressed with just how big the museum was and how many exhibits they had there. Taylor loved looking at all the dinosaur bones, though some skeletons were really big and scared him a bit.

Here are some highlights from our little day trip.

Dad and Tay outside the museum:

The most amazing skeleton there - the Supersaurus. This thing was absolutely gigantic and try as I might I couldn't fit the whole thing into one picture.

They had a little play area for little kids with TONS of toy dinosaurs. Taylor was so excited and insisted on picking each one up and "rawr-ing" at it.

The Ma and Pops:

Tay and his "baby saur" - he thought it was the greatest thing ever:

I thought this giant sea turtle skeleton was awesome:

Taylor and Daddy in front of the "bid shart." I'm surprised he wasn't more scared of it; it looked pretty terrifying to me.

Tay and Mommy had a great time digging for fossils (though Taylor was more interested in throwing the sand than digging in it):

We ended the day on a sweet note - with a big banana split from the ice cream parlor:

All in all it was a fantastic day and I loved hanging out with my boys.

What's going on here??

So much for Global Warming. Oh Spring, where art thou?

Easter '09

This really felt like our first official Easter as a family since we didn't do much last year.

On Saturday afternoon we colored eggs as a family and Taylor thought it was the neatest thing ever. Every time we'd go to pull another egg out of the dye he'd tense up and with a big grin on his face would say over and over again, "A so excited! A so excited!"

Sunday morning when he woke up, Sean and I went in and told him that the Easter Bunny came and brought him presents. He was so excited to see his basket and find the eggs that were hidden in very obvious places around the living room.



After a breakfast consisting of a couple bites of banana and way too many jelly beans, we put Taylor in his Easter outfit and got ready to head to Salt Lake. I thought he was absolutely adorable, and he loved his "oyange" shoes.



Here he is with his "cawwot" bat from last Easter. It's absolutely hilarious apparently.



We had a great time visiting with family up in Salt Lake and it was a really beautiful day. It was a great Easter and we hope all of our family members and friends had a great holiday!

Sick and tired.

I am 10 weeks pregnant as of yesterday and I'm soooo sick and tired of being... well... sick and tired. I thought that my sickness was finally starting to subside somewhat, but it has come back with a vengeance. I feel like absolute garbage right now and I'm just so frustrated. I know that it won't last forever and that what I'm going through right now is TOTALLY worth it, but it's hard to stay focused on the positive when I just want to crawl back in bed, lie in the fetal position, and cry myself to sleep.

Taylor and Findo

Conversation that took place tonight while Taylor was in the bath:

Taylor (while playing with a baby turtle bath toy): Oh cute baby turtle!
Mom: Can you give your baby turtle a kiss?
Taylor: Otay! (kisses baby turtle)
Mom: What is baby turtle's name?
Taylor (without any hesitation): Findo!

Don't ask me where he got that name. I'm now listening to him and Daddy talk about how his seahorse's name is Seahaw and his other turtle's name is Bart. My kid is a total ham.

Nesting

Lately Taylor has been making himself "birdy nests" on the living room floor with anything he can find - mainly blankets, pillows, and sofa cushions. I remember doing this as a kid too; maybe it helps little ones to feel safe. Well this morning he found something else that works well for making a cozy nest - Mommy's newspapers.